Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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