I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
