some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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