An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
