hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
