I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
