Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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