The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
