If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
