Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
