I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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