She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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