Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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