At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I could make wine with my vomit
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
