I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
