my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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