Pappa wants mamma naked
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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