Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize