I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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