IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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