what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
