hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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