Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
