i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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