I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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