So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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