My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
