If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
