I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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