I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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