here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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