Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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