I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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