Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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