If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
