My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
