Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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