i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
