Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
