i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
