I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
