If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There are leaves in my underwear?
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