yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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