yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
