We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
