I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
