I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
