I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
