Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
