that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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