I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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