Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
