Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
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Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.