Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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