I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
