I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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