I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
